After being exhausted, sad, and dirty all day at school, coming home was a relief.
The first thing I saw was Ramona's smiling face. I held her and said "I'm sorry, Baby". Holding her face in my hands and saying those words felt so good and right. I know a lot of you think I did nothing wrong, but in my heart I believe I did, so apology necessary. Brian made tacos and we all sat down together and healed.
Afterward, everyone took turns having a nice hot shower/warm soothing bath.
Ramona went to bed sweetly with no problems like she always does. Ironically, she slept through the night. But that's fine, tonight she won't, and then she will, and then she won't. Everything as it was. I'm still looking for answers, but I'm looking for the gentle answers that are bound to come slowly.
The three of us have been through a lot of discomfort in the last couple days. I'm not here to say I'm a good mom. I'm not here to say I'm a bad mom. I'm learning and unlearning every day that my family is my comfort. I'm learning that Brian and I will make/are making mistakes, but if we all keep listening to each other we will be able to find what it is we need. I'm finding my way in the dark. Finding my footing slowly.
Last night felt good. We all got the rest we needed. The newly fixed hot water washed away the despair. We found comfort and forgiveness.