Saturday, August 20, 2011

suffering, revisited

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster. - From the poem One Art, by Elizabeth Bishop

Years ago, a dear friend lost her father. His death was a surprise and it was tragic. She came home to attend his funeral and pick up the pieces with her family.

And she went out to lunch with me. This friend and I were cut from the same cloth. Suffering rolls off of us. We laugh it off. We think it off. Masters of the art of avoidance. We sat in my car and howled at the hilarity of losing. We were in our early twenties. We were smart girls. We were angry, hard nosed little cynics.

I couldn't feel her suffering. I wouldn't. She didn't want me to,I told myself. We sat in my car, hard as little rocks.

I'm still a hard little rock. It makes me easier to love, I tell myself. Things can happen to me, and I will do you a favor by not expecting you to confront my suffering. We are all like this.

Life is suffering. It's the god's honest truth. I'd stare it in the face, with a softened heart, if I could. I would surrender to it, if I weren't so afraid.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

so good to see you

The summer is over. Ramona and I had so many weeks together that I forgot what day it was and the only clothes that went into the washing machine were pajamas. Being a teacher is smart.

I didn't blog much, because I didn't have many good stories and what I could eek out, I saved. Not to pretend though, what I saved wasn't great.

This blog turned two a few weeks ago. I celebrated by not posting. And it's ok.

Yesterday was my first day back to work. When I returned home, Ramona hugged me and said, "oh mama, it's so good to see you." I'm not kidding. That's what she said.

I'm not scared anymore. Ramona and I are going to go out in the world with our arms open and our heads up. She's going to start school on Monday and I'm trusting the world to see my baby is a great, good girl.

Because after a first day back to work she tells me how good it is to see me. That. Welcome to the year, people. Hang on, because this one is going to be so great. However it happens there will be a story here and whether I am attached to my life going perfect or not, the truth in my heart is that if there's a story in here, I'm satisfied. This is the redemption part of my story.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

what I am is lost

If what I am is what's in me
then I'll stay strong, that's who I'll be
and I will always be the best me that I can be
there's only one me, I'll admit
have a dream, I'll follow it
It's up to me to try......

Here, watch this.

I watched it about 20 times tonight. Because it's August. And I've been in a slump. I can't write, can't practice, can't clean. But I can watch Sesame Street.
I'm going to get back to this. I swear. Because I keep getting Stronger.