Monday, July 12, 2010

retreat number 2

You know what attachment is? It's going to a meditation retreat and being pissed because they aren't running it "right". I wasn't going to write about this. Mostly because I thought it would be me tattling about the bad behavior of others. Now that I realize it's my own bad behavior it's open season.

I've been going to little summer half day meditation retreats. These are small things, just three hours. They have been like little life rafts for me this summer. Small places of refuge every month.

Something has happened to me recently. I've lost my beginner's heart. The retreat wasn't run the way I prefer. The teacher said things with which I disagreed. It didn't fit with my beliefs about retreats and the purpose of meditation. And I was actually pissed. I pouted instead of meditating on the last sitting!

I was right. I really was. Meditation should be done sitting on a cushion or sitting in a chair. We don't meditate laying down with our eyes closed, because we don't meditate to go to sleep, we meditate to wake up. I don't mediate to relax. I do it because it's the only way to put out the 20 foot flame atop my head.....

But I was wrong, because we meditate to see the world as it really is. We go to the retreat we are at, not the one thirty days ago, and not the one 10 years in the future.

I love how this life is practice. You know why I was angry? I was angry because I had not done my daily practice that week. I was counting on that retreat. I was greedy for it, because I was counting on it. Do not waste my time, I'm a harassed wife and mother, I don't have time to do anything but my practice at this retreat.

Being blessed with a great retreat is good karma riping. I should have done my daily practice all week. Expectation is attachment, and it's what causes our suffering.
How do you keep a beginner's heart? How do I get mine back?

(on a side note: this was my 100th post. Was it worth the wait?)


  1. I have two thoughts.

    1st can you read the first comment?

    2nd: I don't know how you get your beginner's heart. I am not sure you can. I think it is like everything else when you start you are so excited and do it all the time. Then as time goes on you have to search for exciting things about it to revive your feelings for it. Even though you are able to revive your feelings though I really do not think you every have that beginner's excitment again. I also think sometimes you just have to tell yourself that you are excited and after you do that for a while you actually are excited.

    Sorry I kinda rambled... I hope it makes since.

  2. 1. No, it's spam. It probably has something to do with sex.

    2. Thanks, dear. I also think "fake it 'till you make it" is solid advice. My fear is not that I have no excitement. My fear is that I "know too much". I don't want to be someone who acts like they know it all. You know as well as I do how when you walk through life like "god's gift to teaching, Buddhism, scrap booking..." you just have your heart in the wrong place.
    Thanks for reading!