retreat

My first meditation retreat was today. So much drama, in such a quiet place. I am amazed to think my body looked quiet and still, despite the ruckus of my mind.

I have dedicated myself to having a daily practice. I have been sitting every day and have finally gotten my body to be still. Now, I'm free to see what a mess my mind is. I am reminded of Ramona, the way she walks over and over again to our TV to press the buttons and how I just bring her back. My mind is the same. I try to be as sweet to myself as I am to Ramona. Just bring it back, patiently and without anger.

Sometimes I do this ok and sometimes I don't. During one entire walking meditation I berated myself for my foot falling asleep. This has been a major issue with my meditation. One time, my leg fell asleep so bad it was just like having an epidural. It actually scared me so bad that I had a panic attack and ended up sick in the bathroom. Anyway, I thought I had solved this problem and it scared me that it had re-appeared. I shouted at myself for the next 10 minutes.

But, problems aside, when Lama Chuck said that going on meditation retreat is one of the kindest things we could do for ourselves, I agreed. I feel so wrapped up in my practice right now I actually laughed at the idea of myself participating in some form of exercise. "You want me to exercise! No way, I am way exhausted from meditation." So, obviously I need practice. Luckily there are two more this summer. Now, if only I could convince Brian and Ramona that I would be nicer to them if I could go on a real, multiple day retreat......