Wednesday, June 2, 2010

is it possible?

How is it possible that I only posted three times in the month of May?

Well, I was busy. And I was crazy. Totally crazy. I tore around the month of May pulling my hair out.

But a lot of things happened to me and I learned things.

Things like this:

I stopped nursing Ramona. My plan was to nurse her for a year and then stop, but I wasn't going to be too hard on myself about when to actually kick the habit. I figured we would just get there. We got there one evening about a week ago. I was nursing her to sleep when I realized I was clenching my teeth. She wasn't exactly biting, but she was sort of grinding her teeth on me. I simply wasn't enjoying doing it. I hated the idea of being done, but I honestly wasn't enjoying the actual event anymore. I walked out of her room and announced that I was done. The next evening, I gave her a bottle. I wrapped my arms around her tight. I put my face on top of her head and breathed her in and exhaled over and over again. It felt amazing. (I still miss nursing her though, but it's ok.)

My mom and I went on a road trip to Northern Iowa to hear a public talk given by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet. I took diligent notes. I planned on writing extensively about this teaching. But, then I got crazy and life took over. But it's better this way, because the thing about Buddhism is that there really isn't much to it. I could go on and on with every little quaint/profound thing he said, but I won't. I'll just spit it out:

Soften your heart. Be warm hearted. Teachers, your job is to teach the brain, but most importantly, teach the heart.

And, I met Karen Maezen Miller. I went to a morning workshop led by her and the incredibly sweet and kind, Jill Tupper. Maezen said a lot of things, but two really stuck with me. She said, "this life of ours is hard" and she also said "if I didn't have my practice on the cushion, I would not be able to practice at the sink". I realize now that having a daily practice isn't an item on my "to do list". It isn't something to think about. Buddhism isn't something to think about, or read about. Buddhism isn't something to talk about. Buddha sat, Maezen sits, I will sit. I will sit and sit and sit. I will sit because it is the only way to follow the path. When do we actually have the practice we say we have?

Now, we have it right now. It's all possible, now.

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