The first days home with the new baby, with my broken heart all over the place, I couldn't get close to Ramona. It was happening all over again. The choking sadness. And somehow my little girl got caught up in it again. How? How? I couldn't get close to her and her behavior pushed me further away. I asked her to eat a real dinner, she cried hard, I scooped her up and held her tight. It was happening again. My life suddenly changed. And there was Ramona, somehow caught up in it again.
Last night I was putting her to bed. Putting her to bed even though my body was tired. Putting her to bed even though I had a baby to nurse. Putting her to bed to win her back and soothe our hearts. As I helped her into her pajamas and covered her up, sang her a song and played with her hair, my mind went back to the place where I was constantly saying goodbye to her.
The night Elwood was born, I was putting Ramona to bed right before my water broke. I gave her a bath and tucked her in because I had a feeling. A feeling her brother was coming and I would soon be separated from my little girl. I had never been away from her for so long, and knew when I came home everything would be different. In the weeks prior to Elwood's birth I was saying goodbye to Ramona constantly. Hanging on to her tight. Feeling the impending change with fright.
But last night as I tucked my Ramona in, as I started to go back to that place where I hang on and I say goodbye, I stopped myself. There is no goodbye needed. There is no goodbye. We made it. I'm home. We are all home. We have endless nights together. We have countless tries to make it right and good. And in that moment I forgave myself for all of it.