Until yesterday, when I noticed it was June. When I noticed that the school year was over, that the schedule that never slowed down, suddenly stopped. Without a lot of hoping and counting down the days, the school year ended.
We said goodbye to our babysitter of two years. I said goodbye to some dear fifth grade readers. I said goodbye to a newly made friend. I said goodbye until my heart crashed to the ground, and I pulled over the car to sob. I mostly cried for me, I think. Because I have failed so much.
I failed Proust, I failed at 30 day yoga, I failed everything I tried. How hard is it? Can I try again? Can I just stop trying?
I'm not sure how to end this one. All I know is that it's June and I feel like if I could bake myself a cake, and lure my heart out into the open, I would apologize. I would say, "sorry for making this all so much harder than it really needs to be."
Rock bottom is hard and newness is tricky, but I would not sweat it. Sometimes we try to fill the void because of a craving. With these pursuits we fail at what we were never meant to finish. Try when you are ready and carry on iff appropriate. In the meantime, let loose and bake that cake! Or don't. I won't judge. I'm just hungry. We all are.
ReplyDeleteAnd what exactly is 'failure'?? What a dirty word. What a.. final.. word! We have new chances every day that we wake up. Your girl thinks bugs are cute and you are there to see it... where on earth is the failure dear Nova? And what else matters? I get it - personal goals are important too. Self improvement, maintaining 'self', making it all fit into this life... all essential. But what is life but to be able to wake up and let the day come? Try again. Or don't. Life will happen either way :O)
ReplyDeleteOh Dana, that's a good bit of wisdom there. It's true. I view self improvement as like a full contact sport. And I'm on both the teams and taking all the hits.
ReplyDeleteBrooke, that part about "we fail at what we were never meant to finish"....interesting...I never think that way and I should. Not every piece of writing becomes a published work. Not every little project has to become finished. And of course, you were the newly made friend.
Certainly, so we say, see you later instead of Good Bye. No failing with that kind of friendship! No final parting.
ReplyDeleteNova, thinking about how "Art Is Never Finished, only abandoned"... Like you said,"Not every project has to become finished," but maybe creativity is the act of embracing perennially unfinished work. Not just with writing, but in everything we seek to refine.
And to keep from abandoning we remind ourselves that our inclinations to create are not futile. That we are brave for trying.
So, see you later Proust! See you later yoga : )