confession

I don't have a Masters degree. I have an almost Masters degree.
I had a personal renaissance when I began graduate school that I look back on fondly, but the culmination of the program was writing a thesis. I love writing, but I don't love writing this thesis. This probably means I picked the wrong topic, but there is nothing I can do about this now. It's something like, Teaching Information Literacy to Young Children Using Research Based Early Childhood Principals. I have written one chapter and collected the research. I have two more chapters to write. I don't actually believe that I will EVER do this. I turned in the chapter a few weeks before Ramona was born and the plan was to not think about it again until I went back to work in the fall. Here it is October and I dread looking at my university e-mail. I dread turning my attention back to this darn paper.

My attention is directed at my family and my work. I am already a librarian and I don't believe that writing this paper will make me better at my work. Finishing up my Masters will give me a hardly noticeable pay raise. As a working mom I have very little time at home with my baby. When I get home, everything stops and I play with her, feed her, care for her, love her. When she goes to bed I spend time resting and being with my husband. I don't want to write this paper.

I feel overwhelmed by the stupidity of getting this close to getting a Masters degree and then wimping out. It is insane to spend all that money and get that close and not finish the degree. It would be one thing if I was half finished. But I'm not, I'm about 20 pages (and some long edits) away from being done.

Just write the paper, you say??? Oh really, so simple. Why didn't I think of that??

It is so simple. So very simple. Write the paper....write the paper....write the paper.

This is the last time I will speak of this until I actually buckle down and get started with the writing. If you don't hear about it again, it's because I'm a massive loser.

Sunday Afternoon Book Review - Llama Llama Red Pajama

Last year I bought Llama Llama Red Pajama by Anna Dewdney for the library. It's a cute book, but definitely more appropriate for babies and toddlers. I'm not going to pretend that Ramona really has preference when it comes to books and music, but I love reading this fun, sweet book to her.

And more than that, I love "playing" this book with Ramona. "Ramona, no more of this llama drama, please be patient for your mama!" "Mama kisses baby's hair, Mama Llama goes downstairs." I find myself saying the rhymes of this book constantly.

On a side note though, what is with Mama Llama's clothes? She wears a dress with a ruffly collar, an apron, and pearls! Is this what Anna Dewdney thinks mamas look like? I love that the characters are llamas. What animal is sweeter or cuter? But I wish the llama mama was wearing a sweat shirt or perhaps a nursing tank.

Friday Night's Alright for....going to bed at 8.

What happened last night, you ask?? What happened to Friday Night Book Review??
This is what happened:
Ramona was asleep by 8:20, I left her room, walked across the hall, got in my own bed and went to sleep. I woke at midnight to have a bowl of cereal and then I went back to bed.
I feel like a million bucks today. When Ramona woke at 6 I wanted to wake up too. We bounced, we sang, we made coffee. I cleaned the kitchen!!
Last Friday night I was just as tired, but I tried to hammer out a review anyway, and It went something like this "Book sucked, I'm tired, sorry, goodnight".
I think I will have to pick a different time to do book reviews. Maybe I will just review when I feel like it. We will see...I really like structure.

small, but growing

This morning I recalled some advice from a friend. The advice is 6 months old:

Nova: "My practice is small, but it's growing. However, I'm not a Tantra kind of person. A teacher said to my class "these modern times call for strong magic, Tantra gives us that", and that makes sense. But I still don't think it's for me. I don't know where to go next. I feel like I need a teacher, but I don't think I'm in the right place. But what other place is there?"

Nova's Friend: "Take Refuge Vows, Consider Your Heart, Practice. Then see what happens."

I didn't know what to do with that 6 months ago. This morning, maybe I do.
My commitment is small, but it's growing.

Never Apologize

I made a pretty big clerical mess in the library this week and it took many people to help straighten it out. I sent e-mails requesting help, along with apologies
One of my fellow librarians wrote this back to me, "Never Apologize". She said it simply, with no anger. Never Apologize. It warmed my heart. It gave me the ability to face my mountain of work, rising hostility, and the feelings of inadequacy.

So, for the rest of this week, I'm not apologizing. If that doesn't work....I'm going to resort to a well timed, "SUCK IT, MONKEYS!" (Thank you Liz Lemon)

Friday Night Book Review - Ida B

Ida B...and Her Plans to Maximize Fun, Avoid Disaster, and (Possibly) Save the World by Katherine Hannigan: This is a book about a spunky little gal that talks to apple trees and communes with nature. Things are going great in her life until her mother gets cancer (see, I told you... sick, dying, and dead mothers are a major theme in children's lit). While her mother struggles to get well, her family has to quit homeschooling Ida and has to sell some of the land they own and apple trees are cut down in order to pay medical bills (btw......No public option! Are you kidding me?!). Ida hardens her heart and becomes a pretty mean person for awhile. The story is kind of pathetic (not in a good way).

I was planning on using this book as an excuse to write about homeschooling, but Ramona is teething and she cried all evening. I'm too tired to make a coherent statement.

Put down the blog, Nova. Go to bed.

I knew I was good for something!

My school is “remaking” itself into a more high achieving learning environment and part of this has been a lot of serious study of ourselves. It has been pretty painful. I feel like I’ve been asked a million times what my strengths are. I could go on and on about my weaknesses, but lately I feel like I have no strengths.

Yesterday I was behind the bookcase in my office, pumping the milk, and I was thinking about things I could do to keep Ramona (and me) sleeping longer at night when I realized that I really like solving problems. It’s what I love best about kids. With kids you can begin anew each day. You can influence their environment! You can give them more attention, you can remove that negative stimulus, you can do 20 minutes of alphabet flash cards, you can put them in a different place in the crib! You can fix them!

This is what I loved about teaching first grade. There were many Fridays when I went home feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to go on, that if the kids kept not learning, talking over me, throwing chairs…..whatever…I was done with teaching. What always happened was that over the weekend I came up with a brand new system and Monday morning went about fixing the problems of the room. I feel the same way about Ramona. I feel like I get kids. I know when to apply the pressure, I know when to stick to my high expectations, I also know when to let go, and I know how to love. This filled me with a moment's delight. My strength is that I try hard and that I love kids, my strength is that I know when to let go and love.