the anniversary of a day I did right

The traditional gift of the sixth anniversary of my marriage is acceptance. It is a squint across this hard life to see the peace that is always there. It is the blurring of the edges between you and me.

It's accepting this promise wasn't a minor detail. It is a powerful, terrible, magical promise to walk with you to the end. 

Brian, the day I fell in with you was a day I did right. 

nothing to do but enjoy

This could become a place where I turn in baby pictures and thoughtful quotes from Ramona. If it did, I wouldn't blame me. Two kids is probably hard. I'm not sure though, because I thought things were hard before. And now I see they were so easy. So it makes me think this is probably easy too, only I don't realize it yet. So, I'm not taking things too seriously anymore. Because obviously I know nothing. 

Ramona does, though. 

"Mama, don't take Baby Elwood away. I'm enjoying him." 

what babies do, according to ramona

"babies like to lay in beds and dream and relax"

mother brain

I have written things. And not published. I have thought things. And forgotten them. My new baby makes me so sleepy.

My therapist might ask, Nova are you doing ok? And I might say no, but it doesn't matter. Yes, but it can change. I can't remember who I am from one second to the next. Sad, then happy. Mad, then I can forgive. An Arm Full of Children can go from burden to joy in seconds. Back to pain, and a step to bliss.

Who cares about questions anyway? All I know is love. I have a sweet baby boy. And I love his peaceful face.

cured

The first days home with the new baby, with my broken heart all over the place, I couldn't get close to Ramona. It was happening all over again. The choking sadness. And somehow my little girl got caught up in it again. How? How? I couldn't get close to her and her behavior pushed me further away. I asked her to eat a real dinner, she cried hard, I scooped her up and held her tight. It was happening again. My life suddenly changed. And there was Ramona, somehow caught up in it again.

Last night I was putting her to bed. Putting her to bed even though my body was tired. Putting her to bed even though I had a baby to nurse. Putting her to bed to win her back and soothe our hearts. As I helped her into her pajamas and covered her up, sang her a song and played with her hair, my mind went back to the place where I was constantly saying goodbye to her.

The night Elwood was born, I was putting Ramona to bed right before my water broke. I gave her a bath and tucked her in because I had a feeling. A feeling her brother was coming and I would soon be separated from my little girl. I had never been away from her for so long, and knew when I came home everything would be different. In the weeks prior to Elwood's birth I was saying goodbye to Ramona constantly. Hanging on to her tight. Feeling the impending change with fright.

But last night as I tucked my Ramona in, as I started to go back to that place where I hang on and I say goodbye, I stopped myself. There is no goodbye needed. There is no goodbye. We made it. I'm home. We are all home. We have endless nights together. We have countless tries to make it right and good. And in that moment I forgave myself for all of it.

home

Our baby boy came two weeks early. Last week I was reeling. I should still be pregnant...what happened...I'm already home from the hospital....but I should still be pregnant. This loop ran through my head on repeat.

I struggled to write this, but the stories are there, and they will unearth themselves, they will shake themselves loose over time. The stories I can tell from the last two weeks are the ones I will tell as an old lady. When my water broke, when they put my baby boy in my arms, how hard it was the first night home. We have lived some of the most important of our days in the last two weeks. 

The pierce in my heart is starting to fade. Oh so quickly too. The pierce of homesickness for the way things used to be. My particular brand of baby blueness is homesickness. This time I expected it and had forgiven myself far in advance. I forgive myself for being sad and lonesome for the way it used to be. I can cuddle my baby without fear. I can say exactly how I feel. Because I know I'm good. Because I know time will heal us and we will be home before we know it.

he is here!

Welcome to the world, Elwood.

Our story begins, sweet boy. 

Love,

Mama