I have a sickness that I've recently come down with called Look-Forward-To-The-Distant-Future-itis.
I'm excited about Ramona being one. I can't wait to see her take some steps...outside. I CRAVE playing outside.
I am looking forward to not dragging a huge car seat around. Infant car seats are insane.
I have been constantly thinking about how neat it will be to not have her on the boob all the time. I have been craving the freedom that will come with weening. No more pumping! But also, I'm sad and I'm actually doubtful that she and I are going to be able to make this transition.
I am looking forward to baseball season with a zeal that can not really be expressed. The Royals were a lifeline for me during my maternity leave. They gave me something to follow that had nothing to do with myself and a daily event to cheer me when times were hard.
But, here it is, it's January. It's still a long way out.
What I have is a gift, and it's happening now. When she is five and fifteen and forty I'm going to think about her smallness and her newness and it's going to make me hurt from nostalgia.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
the snow is always whiter...
Well, in fact, the party was not over. I went back to work for one day, and then the snow and Arctic cold rolled in. So, I got a bonus week with Ramona. Yay, right? Yeah, sort of.
I turned to Brian last night and said, "It feels like I've been taking care of this baby non-stop for three weeks". He replied, "That's because you have".
Last week I was really sad to be going back to work. I had a lot of fun over break. My house was pretty clean, I cooked a good dinner almost every night, and I was with Ramona constantly. I was sad because I didn't realize how much happens in a day with her and how much I had been missing. When I'm at school it all goes really fast. The day zooms by. I rush home, pump milk,feed baby, eat frozen pizza,play with Ramona and then it's bed time. It's all so fast. It's also easy to get into a really good rhythm and be pretty darn pleased with how well your family's life is going.
Oh friends, baby time is S-l-o-w. Her day is spent pulling up, grabbing toy, try to walk, fall....repeat.....repeat....repeat....repeat. And on the days when she is agreeable to taking a great nap in the afternoon, I feel like this is the greatest job on earth. But try to take my two baby free hours in the afternoon from me and I become a character from a story about a horrible, mean mom.
And the WORRY. I actually told Brian a few days ago that I'm really nervous that she has no interest in learning to clap, and that we are going to be "working" on that. Oh my god, I do not have time for this kind of crap when I'm working my full time job. I am just happy to see her clean and happy. I don't stress over the minutia. I'm just pleased to be with her.
I can't decide what this means. Is my child raising herself? Have I been stupid to be so content? Now that I have spent three weeks (and I really need to add that the weeks have essentially been snow bound) actually caring for my child, I am filled with worry. She isn't learning to self soothe at night. She is a horrible nap taker. She doesn't clap! I don't tell her No! I am a god awful mother.
While I'm working on sorting this stuff out for myself, I am also trying to get my mom on the phone, because I think her grandgirl would really like to spend some time with her.
I turned to Brian last night and said, "It feels like I've been taking care of this baby non-stop for three weeks". He replied, "That's because you have".
Last week I was really sad to be going back to work. I had a lot of fun over break. My house was pretty clean, I cooked a good dinner almost every night, and I was with Ramona constantly. I was sad because I didn't realize how much happens in a day with her and how much I had been missing. When I'm at school it all goes really fast. The day zooms by. I rush home, pump milk,feed baby, eat frozen pizza,play with Ramona and then it's bed time. It's all so fast. It's also easy to get into a really good rhythm and be pretty darn pleased with how well your family's life is going.
Oh friends, baby time is S-l-o-w. Her day is spent pulling up, grabbing toy, try to walk, fall....repeat.....repeat....repeat....repeat. And on the days when she is agreeable to taking a great nap in the afternoon, I feel like this is the greatest job on earth. But try to take my two baby free hours in the afternoon from me and I become a character from a story about a horrible, mean mom.
And the WORRY. I actually told Brian a few days ago that I'm really nervous that she has no interest in learning to clap, and that we are going to be "working" on that. Oh my god, I do not have time for this kind of crap when I'm working my full time job. I am just happy to see her clean and happy. I don't stress over the minutia. I'm just pleased to be with her.
I can't decide what this means. Is my child raising herself? Have I been stupid to be so content? Now that I have spent three weeks (and I really need to add that the weeks have essentially been snow bound) actually caring for my child, I am filled with worry. She isn't learning to self soothe at night. She is a horrible nap taker. She doesn't clap! I don't tell her No! I am a god awful mother.
While I'm working on sorting this stuff out for myself, I am also trying to get my mom on the phone, because I think her grandgirl would really like to spend some time with her.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
party's over
My two week holiday with Ramona is over.
Tomorrow when I'm back at work I'm going to visit my own blog over and over again, so I can see this happy/cutie/naughty/funny face.
Friday, January 1, 2010
10 years
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Ten years ago I was getting ready to go away to college. I had been living at home, going to community college for awhile. I was only going to school an hour and 15 minutes from my parent's home, but for me it was a huge deal.
I had a boyfriend that I had been hanging onto since high school. He was very neat, but it was time to move on for both of us. At the time, I had begun to discover that I was good with kids. It was more of a suspicion and hadn't been tested yet. Now, I'm smart enough to realize that I could have been good at a lot of things.
Somehow, in the last ten years, I have become a real actual woman. I am married and have a child. I own my own home and I am a tenured teacher. I am an elementary school librarian,a dream that I was hoping to attain by the time I was 40. I have had a lot of good fortune.
On the side of regret,I wish very much that in the last 10 years I had traveled more.
But,back to the question: Where do I see myself in 10 years?
I will be 39. My daughter will be 9(!). My marriage will be 13 years old.
In 10 years,you will find me nurturing my family. In 10 years, I see myself having fun. I see myself deepening my practice. I hope to be able to cook a pretty good dinner in 10 years. But most of all, I see myself as a kinder person. This is my greatest hope for myself. Just being kind.
Ten years ago I was getting ready to go away to college. I had been living at home, going to community college for awhile. I was only going to school an hour and 15 minutes from my parent's home, but for me it was a huge deal.
I had a boyfriend that I had been hanging onto since high school. He was very neat, but it was time to move on for both of us. At the time, I had begun to discover that I was good with kids. It was more of a suspicion and hadn't been tested yet. Now, I'm smart enough to realize that I could have been good at a lot of things.
Somehow, in the last ten years, I have become a real actual woman. I am married and have a child. I own my own home and I am a tenured teacher. I am an elementary school librarian,a dream that I was hoping to attain by the time I was 40. I have had a lot of good fortune.
On the side of regret,I wish very much that in the last 10 years I had traveled more.
But,back to the question: Where do I see myself in 10 years?
I will be 39. My daughter will be 9(!). My marriage will be 13 years old.
In 10 years,you will find me nurturing my family. In 10 years, I see myself having fun. I see myself deepening my practice. I hope to be able to cook a pretty good dinner in 10 years. But most of all, I see myself as a kinder person. This is my greatest hope for myself. Just being kind.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
book chat - winter break edition, vol.2
I have been reading my ass off. Here's a quick run down:
1. Escape to West Berlin by Maurine Dahlberg (I know, I know, it wasn't on my big list of ten, but it was hiding under my bed and begged to be read.) - This book was great, but it made me realize that I'm an idiot. Escape to West Berlin is historical fiction set days before the Communists put the barrier between East and West Berlin. I know NOTHING about this time period. So, during the holiday parties I attended I somehow worked "Can you believe the situation in BERLIN!" into the conversation. Yes, I'm embarrassing. Thanks for nothing public education.
2. Earthquake Terror by Peg Kehret (not on the list, this one was hiding under a pile of papers) My students love her books, so I wanted to read one. Very suspenseful survivalist fiction. I love a good wilderness story.
3. Piper Reed, Navy Brat - Not bad! Even vaguely feminist. Nice!
4. Anastasia's Chosen Career - I love re-reading books that I enjoyed as a kid. Even as a young girl I knew the Krupniks were cool. These books are really 1980's snooty. For the love of god, Woody Allen is mentioned. Woody Allen! Even a shiny new cover couldn't make my kids interested in these. They may get weeded to my house. (I’m kidding, of course. These are the jokes, people!)
5. The Giver - I love that Lois Lowry can write silly fluff like the Anastasia books and then go on to write something as provocative as The Giver. It deserves its own blog post. Grown-ups love this book, but unlike a lot of kid’s books that grown-ups love, kids would also enjoy reading it.
I started Kira-Kira last night. It's moving kind of slow so far. I'll keep you posted.
1. Escape to West Berlin by Maurine Dahlberg (I know, I know, it wasn't on my big list of ten, but it was hiding under my bed and begged to be read.) - This book was great, but it made me realize that I'm an idiot. Escape to West Berlin is historical fiction set days before the Communists put the barrier between East and West Berlin. I know NOTHING about this time period. So, during the holiday parties I attended I somehow worked "Can you believe the situation in BERLIN!" into the conversation. Yes, I'm embarrassing. Thanks for nothing public education.
2. Earthquake Terror by Peg Kehret (not on the list, this one was hiding under a pile of papers) My students love her books, so I wanted to read one. Very suspenseful survivalist fiction. I love a good wilderness story.
3. Piper Reed, Navy Brat - Not bad! Even vaguely feminist. Nice!
4. Anastasia's Chosen Career - I love re-reading books that I enjoyed as a kid. Even as a young girl I knew the Krupniks were cool. These books are really 1980's snooty. For the love of god, Woody Allen is mentioned. Woody Allen! Even a shiny new cover couldn't make my kids interested in these. They may get weeded to my house. (I’m kidding, of course. These are the jokes, people!)
5. The Giver - I love that Lois Lowry can write silly fluff like the Anastasia books and then go on to write something as provocative as The Giver. It deserves its own blog post. Grown-ups love this book, but unlike a lot of kid’s books that grown-ups love, kids would also enjoy reading it.
I started Kira-Kira last night. It's moving kind of slow so far. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, December 28, 2009
baby's first christmas
Three days before Christmas I went to get Ramona from her bed and immediately felt the heat rising off her. Thus began my week of fever fighting. Ramona's first seven months were fortunately illness free, but it couldn't last, eventually all kids get sick. It was a mystery illness, no accompanying symptoms to go with the high fever. Our doctor, to my horror, began to suspect meningitis. Thank goodness it wasn't that, it was nothing, but it was a rough three days of baby tending. Christmas was on hold. Family parties cancelled.
But, Christmas miracle style, Ramona woke up healthy and happy on Christmas morning and had a lovely day. She opened presents, hugged dollies, dug through stockings. Family members have filled our house with Way Too Many Toys.
Ramona's three days of fever were like traveling back in a time machine. Back to our maternity leave. Back to momma tunnel vision. Back to a baby that always seemed to be asleep, but at the same time always needed me. But also, back to the sweetness of a baby who wanted to cuddle and nurse all the time.
This week Ramona and I are enjoying her health. We are playing with her piles of toys. We are getting out to see friends and family. But most importantly, we are paying attention to each other.
On New Year's Day Ramona will be 8 months old. It seems amazing to me. She is amazing to me.
But, Christmas miracle style, Ramona woke up healthy and happy on Christmas morning and had a lovely day. She opened presents, hugged dollies, dug through stockings. Family members have filled our house with Way Too Many Toys.
Ramona's three days of fever were like traveling back in a time machine. Back to our maternity leave. Back to momma tunnel vision. Back to a baby that always seemed to be asleep, but at the same time always needed me. But also, back to the sweetness of a baby who wanted to cuddle and nurse all the time.
This week Ramona and I are enjoying her health. We are playing with her piles of toys. We are getting out to see friends and family. But most importantly, we are paying attention to each other.
On New Year's Day Ramona will be 8 months old. It seems amazing to me. She is amazing to me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Merry Christmas from Nova
"It is not good enough to just tolerate other religions, we should Embrace other religions."- words from His Holiness Dalai Lama
This is what is in my heart today. The deep, magical power of the Christmas Story. A story so moving, so magical, that it leads this Buddhist to devote a month to it and turn her life upside down. Sure, I do it because I'm a mainstream American, but there is something else there. The true meaning of Christmas, the Nativity, the Holy Family, that leads us to this special place.
The best practice I have even been given from the Christian perspective was given to me by a Baptist church elder. This church was very progressive and had created a labyrinth to use for prayer. A labyrinth is not a maze, it's not to get lost in, it's to find yourself in. It's a meditation.
****
Start at the beginning of the labyrinth and as you walk, imagine yourself as one of the wise men. As one of the men seeking the Baby Jesus. As you walk, think about all the hope and possibility that you hold in your heart. When you get to the center, let Jesus into your heart. Think of the joy that all who beheld this Christ child's birth witnessed. That the world would be different because he was alive. Witness it for yourself. As you walk back home, carry that love in your heart. Carry it with you always.
Merry Christmas dear ones, God Bless you, each and every one,
Nova
This is what is in my heart today. The deep, magical power of the Christmas Story. A story so moving, so magical, that it leads this Buddhist to devote a month to it and turn her life upside down. Sure, I do it because I'm a mainstream American, but there is something else there. The true meaning of Christmas, the Nativity, the Holy Family, that leads us to this special place.
The best practice I have even been given from the Christian perspective was given to me by a Baptist church elder. This church was very progressive and had created a labyrinth to use for prayer. A labyrinth is not a maze, it's not to get lost in, it's to find yourself in. It's a meditation.
****
Start at the beginning of the labyrinth and as you walk, imagine yourself as one of the wise men. As one of the men seeking the Baby Jesus. As you walk, think about all the hope and possibility that you hold in your heart. When you get to the center, let Jesus into your heart. Think of the joy that all who beheld this Christ child's birth witnessed. That the world would be different because he was alive. Witness it for yourself. As you walk back home, carry that love in your heart. Carry it with you always.
Merry Christmas dear ones, God Bless you, each and every one,
Nova
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